


Somewhat the Worse for Wear

by brightephemera



Series: Knights of the Dawning Alliance [3]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Post-Star Wars: The Old Republic - Knights of the Eternal Throne, Post-Star Wars: The Old Republic - Knights of the Fallen Empire, Star Wars: The Old Republic - Crisis On Umbara Spoilers, Star Wars: The Old Republic - Knights of the Eternal Throne Spoilers, Star Wars: The Old Republic - Knights of the Fallen Empire Spoilers, lana beniko critical, lieutenant pierce critical, malavai quinn critical, theron shan critical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 05:33:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21333061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightephemera/pseuds/brightephemera
Summary: The Sith Warrior Outlander never expected to grow attached to a Republic soldier. In a crisis of faith, though, maybe she has nowhere else to go…and maybe he needs something, too.
Relationships: Aric Jorgan/Female Sith Warrior, Aric Jorgan/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Knights of the Dawning Alliance [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1228328
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Somewhat the Worse for Wear

**Author's Note:**

> This is one possible future for the Knights of the Dawning Alliance, after the end of Secrets and Hopes. At this point in the timeline, Ruth has stepped down from the Alliance to teach young Force users…but we’ll get to that.

“Here it is,” said Nalia Vers, née Jorgan. The striated-brown Cathar eased down the root-stabilized natural stair to the smooth rocks lying beside the little river. The place was much as Ruth had come to expect from Rendili: green, sheltered, untroubled.

“It’s beautiful,” said Ruth. “I might just meditate here for a while.”

“House too noisy for you, huh? I know the litter’s a lot.”

“And you’re all wonderful. I’ll be back within the hour.”

“Are you sure? You can take your son and find a hotel nearby if it’s better.”

“I’m already looking forward to being back in your parents’ house. But I’d better get this out of the way.” She was too full of things to be close to a crowd just at that moment.

Nalia left. Ruth stood on the river-smooth stones and noted, not the Force as such, but every last detail of the place around her, from the gnarled trees to the light green river plants to the insects skittering across the surfaces of the slower coves. The Force curled around her like a contented cat and drew her attention to peace.

*

Aric found her where his sister had said. Ruth was standing, unarmed, looking at the tiny river and its tiny banks, and surely some part of her must hate how small this world was. She made planets tremble. A creek on his parents’ farm couldn’t possibly hold her interest.

He stepped carefully down the root-bound tiers of dirt to the better footing of stone. He scuffed his boot on the way to stand behind her and wrap his arms around her waist. He touched his nose to the top of her ear. “What’s wrong?”

She captured his arms around her and squeezed. “Nothing’s wrong.”

The thing about Jorgan was, he wasn’t stupid. “You went looking for water. You do that when you’re upset. Odessen. Ephel. Every place we’ve ever been where something bothered you.”

“My goodness,” she said, sounding bemused. “I have someone who knows that.”

“So what is it?”

“I’m happy here,” she said. “On Rendili, with your family. Your brothers and sisters are wonderful, and your niblings, too. And I could believe your parents really don’t mind me being Human.”

“They don’t.”

“So gracious, love.” She breathed out and in. “There is so much here that makes you happy. I want to fit in it. I want to be whatever it is you always wanted.”

Could he even remember what that was? “‘What I always wanted’ was a book authored by a very stupid guy a long time ago. He couldn’t imagine this.”

“I…don’t know what I’ll be doing on Arrend.”

The swerve meant she was getting closer to what brought her out here. Arrend was the site of Jaesa Willsaam’s Academy, and Ruth’s residence for the past term.

“I’m not really a teacher,” she said. “I can’t sustain an entire term. I like teaching the children, explaining to them how the galaxy got to where it is, and what to watch for in the holders of power…I like it, but it isn’t a semester’s worth of material.”

“And you still don’t want to take on weapons training.”

“They have good tutors. I don’t want my life’s work to be about training people how to stab each other just because I’m good at it.”

She sounded anxious, about this of all things. “You think you’re less, if you’re just a woman with lightsabers.”

“Less. Yes.”

“Can I ask you something?”

She leaned against him. “Of course,” she said. When her command voice fell away she was…never quite soft-spoken, but never quite the conqueror. He loved that voice.

“Take away my rifle,” he said. “You think there’s anything worthwhile left of me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re still everything to—someone.”

“You think…someone…sees that I’m there when I’m not sighting a target?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“You think I would love you less if you focused your efforts on your expertise?”

She hesitated. “I would love me less.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t the most brilliant reason he’d ever heard, but it was a reason.

Ruth inhaled hard and turned around, sliding every point of contact rather than lean away. “I could go back into the field with you. I could be your bodyguard, or you mine.”

“I’ve made it this far without needing a bodyguard,” he growled, grinning. “I think Alliance Commander Tebbith’s too worried to put me in actual danger.”

“So the existence of this relationship is holding you back.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“The Barsen’thor will keep going easy on you if he thinks that will make me happy. That poor, dear man. He means well.”

“He sends me on meaningful assignments.”

“The softest he can find, I bet. If I came out with you…we could stretch your limits again.”

He laughed. “I’m not as young as I used to be. I don’t have to stretch to feel real. But it’s your decision, teaching history or teaching lightsaber or staying with me. Every day. Close by, covering your six when you can’t, stealing every night together….” He cleared his throat. “Your decision.”

Ruth studied his features, and seemed to like them. “Did you ever think you would be asking the Emperor’s Wrath for company?”

“She’s not the protector I met on Zakuul.” He kissed her forehead. Every contact with her was nice. “What changed? Apart from five years on ice. You could’ve come out rampaging, but you didn’t. Was it your son?” Quieter, “Was it him?”

She shook her head. “Theron never loved how I started. I was…not a pleasant woman. I changed because I needed to believe that a galaxy existed that could be kind to my child long enough for me to find him.”

“And you made it true. Turn about. Did you ever think you would care for a Republic commander?”

“My world turned upside down on Zakuul. After that, anything was possible. I guess that makes no sense to you. You have always been exactly yourself.”

“And see where that got me. I was practically fossilized with the Republic, even before they dumped me. I had mobility on a straight line, as long as I agreed to move with blinders.”

“Zakuul gave you your freedom.”

“You gave me my freedom. Zakuul was the excuse.” He exhaled slowly. “It was close. That time in the undercity? If the Hero of Tython hadn't been there, I just might have taken that shot.”

Ruth’s nose wrinkled. “Don't tell her that, I'll never hear the end of it. Wasn't I a tiny bit convincing at being a good guy?”

“You didn't hesitate in the emergency, you did exactly what those people needed.”

She smiled. “Oh, so you liked that I obeyed.”

“No. I liked that you looked through the uniform and did the right thing...even coming from me.”

When she looked at his face it was like she was every grateful person Havoc had ever helped, mixed in with something intense and personal, something overwhelming. She always acted so damn happy to exist in the same space as him, like he’d arranged it specifically to please her. Maybe he did.

“I'd like to say I knew then,” she said. “You were tough and arrogant and disagreeable, but...” she grinned…“no, I still thought that for at least a year. I didn't know what loyalty meant then. I'd seen so little of it.”

The thought came up again, as it had in odd corners of time before. Nights, mostly, when her public persona was down and her presence was a slender woman wrapped in her modest shields. “Tell you something?”

“Yes,” she said. “Do you want to sit?”

They took one another’s hands and sat, angled to keep one side together while still seeing each other’s faces.

“You were talking about loyalty,” he said slowly. “Did I ever tell you how I got into Havoc?”

She nodded eagerly. “The squad was forcibly retired. They had to gather a new group on the spot. It was you and Major Fade.”

“Lieutenant Fade at the time. Commander Tavus’s Havoc didn’t retire and they weren’t disbanded. They defected to the Empire.”

“The entire…? _Havoc?” _Her eyes were round. “That must have been a disaster for your employers!”

“One of my top jobs was shutting up about it. We spent months gathering the forces to become an effective squad again.”

“That’s where you met Elara and Yuun.” Whether at holiday get-togethers or coffeehouses down in the hangars, Dorne and Yuun had always been respectfully friendly with Ruth. Jorgan wished Dorne and Ruth were closer, but although they’d started and ended in similar places, Dorne never forgot that Ruth was Sith. That might take time. He could wait. When he saw Ruth he saw a future.

“We were a tight-knit group,” he said. “It wasn’t perfect. I always knew it'd be hard to get close to someone personally. Spec ops, so much is classified and so much more just sounds like alarmism. You, you took my reports. You never said a word about them, except Good and Thank You.”

“And Is there anything else you need?.”

He shivered when her fingertips brushed the back of his hand. “You were my CO. I couldn't be a hundred percent honest when you asked.”

“What does that mean?” The pain in her eyes made him regret the figure of speech.

“I couldn't let you know I was falling in love,” he said hurriedly. “You're out of my league – in rank, combat power, social status. Loving you couldn't end well.” He was old enough to know better. “But,” he said to himself, thinking of their first impulsive night, “what a start.”

“Don’t hide from me. About anything, I don’t care if it’s trouble as long as I know. From you.”

“You will. That's a promise.”

A little of her strain lifted. “Anyway, I liked your mission reports.”

His train of thought paused in the face of new information. “You read them?”

“Every one. Concise, complete...with articulation like that I felt that giving you your freedom to operate would only be a benefit.”

“Dorne’s example at work. I wondered if you even cared, or if you just praised me for going through the motions.”

“I had an Alliance to run. But I was paying attention. If you ever got in over your head, I would have come.”

“Ah. Saving it for when I'm in trouble.”

“That offer went to every commander I trusted.”

“I was on a list?”

“You were the top of the list. You must have known that.”

He grinned. “I’m not so sure I did.”

“Logistics, morale, autonomy, just getting things done–you know your job inside and out.”

Curiosity nudged him. “Better than, say, Pierce?” That asshole had been in her pocket from day one. Maybe he was keeping score. A little bit.

“Pierce was a friend to me in my worst times, and he's very good at what he does.” She half smiled. “When I wanted precision, I chose you.”

“Good.”

“But full Havoc, you and Elara and Yuun and the others, must have been in a class all its own,” she said. “How long did it last? All of you.”

“Oh, about four years. Nine months. Not that I counted.” Plus nine days. “She got word that her brother in Ranger Squad was killed by a Sith Lord.”

“Me,” she said, looking pained.

“I didn’t know. She didn’t know. You didn’t know. All three of us were in a war. He was her only sibling, her only family left after their flight from Rattatak when she was a kid. So this happens.” He cleared his throat. “She hunted Sith after that. With or without orders. I’m not sure I can explain, but she was a damn good CO. She took care of her people. I delivered on her orders. Only, they got more and more erratic.” And that was frustrating, to this day. “You know what she used to say to me? ‘You’re covered.’ When we were out there on the line, prepping to take a risk, knowing we might get grief for it back home…‘you’re covered.’ When the next order came down and we knew we had to get creative or die…‘you’re covered.’ And when she started on her own initiative…” He trailed off, and looked back at his path with some surprise. “Then we were fighting on Corellia. Again.”

“Pierce's favorite place.”

Aric twitched a grim grin. Yes, he’d come out ahead on that one. “Fade didn't tell us why until we were there. There was a family of Sith who were coming to the Green Jedi for sanctuary. We set up a hundred meters from the front door.” His jaw tightened past his control for a second. “She told me to kill the children first.”

“Aric, no! What did you do?” Her hand on his tightened.

“I thought about all the people who would die if I let this family live under Jedi protection. None. Zero. I thought about murdering two children...I'd be covered. All I had to do for my career to continue was take four shots. I looked at Dorne and Vik. Then I got up and walked.” Ruth watched him now with every sign of fear, except her hand didn’t shake. “Fade melted down. Screaming, cursing me and everything I loved. She took a shot herself. Killed the father. We found out later he wasn't even Force sensitive. He was just guilty of being with people who were. That shot…that's when Vik grabbed her.” The scene was there in front of him, as bitter and painful now as it had been then. “Ruth, even with those kids there, I felt like a traitor for stopping her.”

“But you did stop. You saved those children.”

He shook his head, hard. “I know. It took a reality check from all of us and a court-martial to take her out of the field…so then I had my command. Tasted about as good as mud.” Ruth kept listening, accepting. “Seeing her fall apart…I don’t know. When it’s romantic there’s a concept for it. Heartbreak, people know what that is. What is it when someone you’ve been on the line with for almost five years goes somewhere you can’t follow?”

“Heartache? It’s still a kind of love.”

No. Not for Fade. But obligation just the same. “I should’ve brought her back. I took the command and I made something of it, but I couldn’t reach her.”

She squeezed his hands. She looked ready to chew Fade's entire career to pulp. “She hurt you.”

“No, she hurt people on the ground. She never did a thing to me.”

“Except betray your trust.”

He thought about the woman in front of him flaring into sadism, into some crazy disregard for life. He couldn’t do that again. Only stubbornness had kept him from falling to pieces the first time. A command he could trust…it wasn’t all he wanted from Ruth, but it was a big part.

She looked at him, her blue eyes patient and very slightly pained. He let out a breath. “It’s okay,” he said. “That was a long time ago, and she can’t hurt anyone from a jail cell. I wish I could say she’ll be ready to come out someday, but right now? She can’t hurt anyone.”

“Did you ever think I’d be better off with some time out for my crimes? Because by your standards I did commit crimes.” For the first time she looked away. “I regret that.”

“I know. A younger me would write you off for your record.”

“But not older you?”

“If we can't start to do better, what's the point of anything? You tried, unlike some people. You had to save the galaxy and you had to do it while learning Ethics 101 from a Sith, an enemy soldier, and a career liar.” Wrong move. She flinched. “I'm amazed you came out with a conscience at all.”

“I was so busy. I was so busy becoming a person you could love. If I'd failed...I'd probably be crazy by now.”

“No. You're pretty sturdy.”

Her eyes squeezed shut. “No, I'm not. I’m not sturdy when I’m by myself. I've seen me alone. Over, and over.” Her brow knotted up and she opened her eyes to look past him. “I can't live like that, and _I don't understand why the people I love keep asking me to_.”

“No. Ruth, look at me. I’m here. It’s just you and me, and a houseful of people back there who want you to be happy. It’s okay.”

She took a deep breath. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay. After everything, I...believe you. –Stars. How did anybody look at you and say, yep, let’s cut him loose?”

“You’ll have to ask the Republic. They did reach that conclusion.”

“Maybe they didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what?”

“That you’re perfect. That any risk is worth it to bring you home again.”

His own grin felt like it was coming out of a long tunnel. “Strangely, ‘perfection’ never showed up on my performance reviews.”

“I can fix that,” she said softly.

Something warm and pleasant settled in him. “Let’s keep the permanent record factual, all right?”

She took one of his hands and slid a fingertip along the edges of his fingers, outside pinky to outside thumb. It felt nice. “You know, I really just thought you were an assassin.”

“One of my many functions, I’ll have you know. I’m also a mean cook.”

She smiled impishly. “Then you called me an assassin.”

“I’d never seen you do anything else.”

“No, you were much more correct than I was. The Emperor pointed and I killed.”

And what would have happened if she had stayed that way, if she had never fallen from Imperial glory? He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “Is there still…does it feel like damage?”

She gave it fair thought. “I dream about being back there sometimes. I mean, exactly where I am, but with _him_ in my head. It’s…it feels like I deserve it. Like ever since the Voice…that’s where it all went wrong.” She was never very articulate about this part. He thought about teasing the story out. Slowly. A month or two between questions. He didn’t want the memory to hurt her but someday he’d like to understand what it did do. She was continuing. “I served him. Wouldn’t it make sense to just set up shop in my mind? I’d already given it to him.”

“You didn’t have a choice.”

“Didn’t I? Wasn’t there some point where I should have said, no more? Somewhere?”

Maybe. Jorgan thought a lot of Imps faced those moments, and failed them. But she had overcome the command. And then, and then…. He slid his hand to her waist. “You chose this.”

The pained abstraction cleared. “You have nothing to do with where I came from, and how I screwed it up. It’s not that my motivation here is novelty. But it is new, and it’s still surprising me. The security, the…I don’t know. All these men come and set fire to my heart and go, and honestly, I should expect it now...but I'm not afraid of you. And that has to mean something.”

“I’m not hiding extra motives.”

She crawled to reach his chest. She was shorter than him. And slenderer, and hard under his hands. She pressed against him with her head under his chin and he slid hands to her waist, to the feathery hair ends at the nape of her neck.

“I thought I was through with soldiers,” she murmured, smiling.

“I thought Imps were for target practice,” he admitted.

“I thought you were cocky.”

“I thought you were cold.”

“I thought you were a model tin soldier.”

“I thought you were a model Sith princess.”

She hesitated, made a little sound. “I thought you were honorable,” she confessed.

“I thought you were passionate,” he allowed.

“I thought you were brave.”

“I thought you were worth it.”

“I think I love you.”

“I think it's been a long time coming.” He grinned. “We’re two banged-up veterans after all, aren’t we?”

“Does anyone get to our age intact?”

“Better off than this. Tell you something honest about working for you, back at the beginning?”

“Let me guess: you honestly hated me.”

“No, I had to suspend judgment if I was going to work for you.” They pulled apart just enough to see one another. “You had Master Gith on your side, so you couldn’t be pure evil. Still, I expected you to be like the Senate. Kind of a mess, someone who had to be worked around if I was serious about getting the results you said you expected.”

“Was the Senate that bad?”

“Don’t get me started.” No, really. She shouldn’t. “By contrast, your orders were obviously coming from a mind that had tactical experience. Not Gith. You thought things through.”

“I was coming from a world where you dictate the results and just penalize anyone who doesn’t figure out how to produce them. I never wanted to be that kind of ruler.” There was a slight breeze across the little river. Ruth pushed some hair that had fallen over her cheekbone back behind her ear. “In a way I still wasn’t accustomed to command. I managed soldiers, but until Ziost I had always taken orders from some authority. For a couple of years I was trying to find my own path, but I always thought of myself as a soldier myself, not a commander.”

“But the Alliance made you a commander.”

“I didn’t think I had a choice. I had the strength, the reputation, the head infestation that we couldn’t afford to leave unattended. And Lana and Theron and Koth, they were so convinced I was in that place at that time for a reason.”

Her cheek still spasmed when she spoke Theron’s name. He wanted to get past it. “Ever want to tell Lana to just take over?”

“Hm.” She didn’t look amused. “She would remove the Emperor and destroy his children, of that I have no doubt. It’s just that the cost…I didn’t care about you, Aric, not really, not the way you deserve. You were difficult and complex and strange to me, and I had to deal with a lot of strange things, and I didn’t have time for you. But I would not feed you into a wood chipper just because my latest task needed mulch.” Her look was borderline furious. “I would not leave you to Lana’s management.”

“Appreciated.”

“You impressed me when we met. With your instincts, the way you evaluated a situation and figured out the most direct path that wouldn’t hurt someone. Strange instincts, Aric, but it was enough to convince me to take you on at the rank you’d left. Was it difficult, pulling together all the Republic converts I put under your command?”

“I never second-guessed your decision to do it. Maybe I’ve been used to being in command. I was in it to fight the Eternal Empire, I didn’t know about you…I didn’t know anything about you. But I knew soldiers, and you found good ones, and we did good work. If you stayed out of my way, unlike my last dozen commanders, I was happy.”

“Ouch. But you never failed me.” She smiled dreamily. “You could die for a man like that.”

“Please don’t.” He leaned into her, and she leaned at him. “Listen, wherever you want to go…here or Arrend or out on every insane mission Tebbith comes up with. I’ll be with you, as close as you’ll let me.”

“How about here? Forever?”

“I’ll have to holo home and let them know we’re not coming.” When she smiled he kissed her, one hand steadying on her thigh, the other up to trace her jaw, her slender neck. She kissed him back like they’d been doing this all their lives and she was still working on perfecting it.

He didn’t let up until she laughed and turned her face away. “Breathe,” she whispered.

He kept his nose close to hers. She was hot, this close. Oh, she was hot anyway. “You know, I thought I had self-control before I met you.”

“Really? Young Aric Jorgan was under control? Calm? Collected? Rational? Never one to…pounce?” Her lips did things to that word. “Even a little?”

He addressed the immediate issue. “Anyone could be watching.”

“Ah.” She smiled a slightly less provocative smile. “Let's not send little Liath and Varda to their parents with questions.”

“We’ll get back to this.”

“That’s a promise.” She shivered. “I'm not quite the omnipotent Sith. I'm not powerful enough to see the future or dictate your choices. But every minute you spend wanting this is a minute I am yours.”

“That should do us for a few decades to start. Maybe longer.” He wanted one more thing before they went back to the bustle of family. “Any conclusions about your day job?”

She thought about it. She reached gingerly to his chest and drew nonsense letters. “Teaching is safe,” she said at last. “It's a wholesome legacy. I would be near my son.”

So things would go on as they’d been this whole last semester. “I understand.”

“Or I could admit that I can change lives out there too. For the people we're helping, and for the people I'm commanding. I could return to the field.”

He didn’t push her. Much. “With me?”

“You or nothing.”

“Even knowing the risks.”

“I can’t be vulnerable to you. I can’t let you break me, too, because if that happens one more time I am lost.” She said it, but she laced her fingers with his and gave a strange little sigh. “All the same. I’ll go.”  
  
Well, he’d been talking about the external threats, but that was good, too. Was he all the support she still needed? Could he be more helpful than the oasis of rest she’d be leaving?

He was going to find out. Ruth wanted this. Anything was possible.


End file.
